Second Installment: Yeah you can do that...but SHOULD you do that?

Meditations about women: or "How even when you're RIGHT, you're not RIGHT."

I learned something crucial tonight.

Women don't like it when you try to "read" them AND they like it even less when you're RIGHT.

For Example:

Tonight I was hanging out with this close girl friend of mine, we'll call her Leia, even though I know in my heart of hearts that if she were in star wars she would be more like a Padmae. Anyway, I was hanging out with Leia and her every "Exacting" boyfriend, something I've done quite a bit this summer. We were sitting in a bar having a wonderful talk about which characters from popular shows and movies each person reminded them of...or who would I play if I was on Friends...the answer is obviously Chandler. Moving on. The exacting boyfriends had to use the restroom which left me and Leia alone to talk. I knew that recently the two of them were trying to be more "abstinent" with their relationship and so I questioned her about it. She immediately said, "Oh its something that the BOTH of US really felt that WE should do." I followed up the question with another question, saying "Now is that really how you feel or is it how you both feel?" She argued for a bit about her answer and then began to ague that her boyfriend really does feel the same way. I then said, "If you and never brought the idea up, do you think he would have?" She then knew the answer. I then told her that it was perfectly fine to tell me that it is something that she felt she needed to do and that he has been "really great" about it and she really felt that he respects her wishes. Then we got into the whole issue of how I think that she (from time to time) will use him as a "shield" to get her point across or to protect herself from having to share how she really feels. I supported this argument with an example.

• The other night I asked her and him if they wanted to come over and watch a movie with me. We talked back and forth for a bit and then she said "here talk to boyfriend" and he said "What are you doing tomorrow, cause we really want to go see 'Step Brothers'...we're just feeling really tired tonight and are not in the mood." This to me struck me as odd, since I could tell in his voice it is not how he really felt about the issue. Truthfully I think he could actually go either way, but that's not what he said. It was very clear to me what was going on. Leia was using her "exacting" boyfriend to get her point across. She didn't want to hang out or come over or whatever reason and she used him as a means to an end, but it was clear that she did not want to say "NO." even though that's what she really wanted and she used him to say it for her.

Her response to this was to instantly go into a inner quest of deep thoughts and whether or not this was actually true. I could tell that it hit her hard. I could tell she did not like the answer that came out. I could tell that I just laid a "hard truth" on her that she may have not been ready to handle. I tried to explain that it is not always a bad thing, in fact sometimes its a good thing to have someone you're in a relationship with to use as a scapegoat to do or not to do something. I also said, that it is not my place to comment about this whole thing...even though I obviously just did. I tried to think of a way to better explain my point about it and I came up with this: "I think that you are more independent that you pretend to be when you're with him. I think that you can be more direct with people than you are letting yourself be...its just easier to do it the way you're doing it. It's not a BAD thing, but its just something I've noticed you do from time to time."

It was awkward for some time after that, but then "exacting" boyfriend came back and things picked up again. Then later that night we were grabbing some Taco Bell to eat and another issue came up. We were eating our food and then Leia picked up her Cheezy Gordita Crunch and tried to feed it to her boyfriend. The boyfriend tried to waive it off. I being drunker than earlier began to wax philosophical about why it seems all straight women at some point in the relationship try to feed their boyfriends. I said that I believe it was because a large number of women have an innate sense in them to be motherly towards those they care about and this is just one way of doing it. I then asked the boyfriend if in any of his past relationships had he ever tried to feed any of his girlfriends with the exception of wanting to smash food in their face to be funny or to be motherly on purpose. He responded that he had not. I then said I had the same experience, but I have been in many relationships in the past where women had tried to "feed me" at one point or another. I don't think its a negative thing...its actually quite endearing and shows that the woman cares for you a great deal. Leia was not impressed. She was instantly offended. I asked why and she said that i can't just make a vapid generalization about all womankind and expect her to agree with me...and that just because she wants to feed her boyfriend from time to time does not mean that she should be grouped in with all of these other women. Then i said...well are you disagreeing with what I said or just that I said it. I mean is their really any truth in what I'm saying or not...was what i was trying to get at. She never did admit it, but that's because she agreed with it completely. Her point was that I shouldn't be stereotyping / generalizing all women based off of one solitary nice act between her and her boyfriend. I then responded and said your act doesn't even have to be included in that group...it just reminded me of this innate mothering trend I've noticed in women. I apologized for being arrogant, because she's absolutely right...just because it may be true does not mean that I had to say it...and saying it makes me come off sounding like an ass....which is also probably pretty true to form if I were to analyze me from a distance in that particular conversation. In the back of my mind I realized...that Women don't like it when you try to "read" them AND they like it even less when you're RIGHT. Furthermore, I was able to realize that she was not really upset about me generalizing women. What she was really upset about was what we talked about earlier. She realized that I laid a hard truth on her and how she's been acting in her relationship. She was hurt by what I was saying earlier, but not because what I was saying was hurtful...but because it was true. I mean if what I was saying was completely false and untrue...she would deny it and we would have a small discussion about it and move on. I would then obviously have nothing to write about..ha ha. But that is not what happened. She took it to heart...and the reason she did...is because she saw that there was truth in what I was saying...truth that she was not yet ready to admit to herself. I tried to tell her that...as far as relationships go...that this is not a BAD thing to be doing per say. Anyway, the reason she was getting mad at me about the mothering thing was not because she was disagreeing with what I was saying...it really wasn't because I shouldn't be saying it...I think it was because she wanted so bad for me to be wrong about a generalization or trend I had noticed. In some small way that if I was wrong about this, then I could be wrong about her and her boyfriends relationship. It would somehow undo all of the thoughts and worries our conversation had recently impressed upon her that weren't there some 2 hours ago. I don't even know if this thought entered her stream of consciousness. My guess is no; it was completely unconscious. And obviously, I know and believe that she can separate her emotions from one conversation to another...I just feel that in this case, with this situation that the reason she was disagreeing with me...was not that she felt I was wrong...and it was not that she felt I shouldn't be saying that (entirely)...it was that she wanted me to be wrong...and when you stereotype / generalize a population it is easy to prove you wrong. This is right about the time that the thought popped in my head to shut up and apologize and try to understand rather than prove my point further. With a few more generalizations talks (women never let anything go etc.) we headed for home...and I realized that I really got to her. Which may or may not be bad thing...we'll see. I am going to call and apologize in the morning...but it won't change the fact that what I said was true....and it won't change the fact that she and I both know that what I said was true. So why apologize? Because apologizing is what you do when you hurt another person. I hurt her. I was arrogant...I was an ass...and even if what I said was true...doesn't mean that I SHOULD HAVE said it. I just need to learn when and where to drop my truth bombs.